Hard Love

Insides And Outsides



"Our real value is in being ourselves."
Basic Text, p. 101

As we work the steps, we're bound to discover some basic truths about ourselves. The process of uncovering our secrets, exposing them, and searching our characters reveals our true nature. As we become acquainted with ourselves, we'll need to make a decision to be just who we are.

We may want to take a look at what we present to our fellow addicts and the world and see if it matches up with what we've discovered inside. Do we pretend that nothing bothers us when, in truth, we're very sensitive? Do we cover our insecurities with obnoxious jokes, or do we share our fears with someone? Do we dress like a teenager when we're approaching forty and are basically conservative?

We may want to take another look at those things which we thought "weren't us." Maybe we've avoided NA activities because we "don't like crowds." Or maybe we have a secret dream of changing careers but have put off taking action because our dream "wasn't really right" for us. As we attain a new understanding of ourselves, we'll want to adjust our behaviour accordingly. We want to be genuine examples of who we are.


Just for today:

I shall check my outsides to make sure they match my insides. I shall try to act on the growth I have experienced in recovery.

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We want to be genuine examples of who we are. Those words kept on ringing inside my head for several days now. I kept on asking myself, "Am I a good example for those people who came and asked for my help?"

On several occasions I received emails requesting my help. Almost of of them are drug related. Ironically, it was their women folks who wrote to me, telling me about their husband drug problems. And they were asking me all sort of questions like what should they do, will their husbands recover, should they filed a divorce and many many more.

Sometimes, I had doubt in myself which is NOT me. I tried to answer every questions as honestly as possible, base on what I've gone through. I believe that way I can answer every questions truthfully and not get caught lying.

In some instances, I've to refer with some of my friends for answers which I can't answer or which I have no experienced about it personally. I tried to get all the answers for them, if possible.

One thing I noticed, almost all of them loved their husbands very much even though they knew about their husband's problems. Filing a divorce will be their last option after several attempts to reconcile. But believed me, filing a divorce will be on top of their list when they found out the hard way that their husbands loved their drugs more than their wife. Other instance will be like, the husbands in an unmanly way beat and kicked or even treated their wife like dirt!

That was one thing I really hate, no matter how bad my wife will be (which I'm sure both of my ex and present beloved wife are not) I shall never use my hands nor legs on her. I just don't get it, I knew they were some husbands who beats up their wives during the day and at night they have the gall to make love with their wives! And get this, the wife performed all the mumbo jumbo of love making as though nothing has happened. Sometimes I feel like cutting up their husband's cock and gives it to the dog!

But then, I have to congratulate one or two of them (the wives). They will not stop supporting their husbands even if the husbands was in jail. They went through all sort of channels to know more about their husbands, about addictions, their husbands drug of choice and the like. They have strong faith that their husbands can go through recovery and become like a normal person again.

Yeah, I know. Recovery will not be easy. I've been through some really hard times. I wasn't the fortunate one who knew someone in recovery and all the craving and obsession was immediately removed. I can still clearly remember I was sitting on the toilet's bowl upstairs all day long because I was afraid to go out, lest I shall meet my friends and get loaded again. I kept on mumbling, "Just for today, I shall not get loaded, it will pass, it will pass, it will pass... " And it did passed.

Then less than a year after that, I lost my job, my girl friend, my condo, all in rapid succession. Many will not believed, but I still read the Quran regularly and I believed God will help me somehow and God will not make me suffer more than I can handle. Everything that has been taken away from me, I believed God will replace it with something better. Indeed, it was.

I'm very grateful to have a very supporting family especially my beloved Mummy and friends from the Fellowship. As far as I'm concerned, they have never let me down. Especially when I needed someone to talk to during the early stage in recovery. I would sometimes called them at four o'clock in the morning when I found myself turning and tossing in bed sweating and they've always been there for me. From them I learned, "You keep what you have by giving it away." And so I've been there for others too even if it meant my mobile rings at three o'clock in the morning!

One Addict Helping Another Addict For now I'm turning all my life and my will into God's hand. It also gave me such peace and great pleasures to watch someone who came to me and then grow into a wonderful person in recovery. And then watched that same wonderful person passing down to others the same knowledge that was given to me is such a wonderful feeling. The love and caring in this Fellowship is something you will never find anywhere else, one addict helping another addict.

I've also learned to live life on life's terms. With my brothers and sisters during meeting, I was shown how to accept myself and even how to love myself. With them I continued to grow and my faith with God grew as well. I have no longer to feel that total pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I never have to hate myself, or be alone or feel unwanted.

And I really enjoy my life today. I never have to hate myself, or be alone or feel unwanted. I have a very wonderful wife who can accept me as I am. We went together to all the exotic places which I can't go before. I also have other outside interests I had never dreamed I would be doing, like this one. I have a blog of my own, my own Internet marketing where I taught other how to make money online which I considered a good job, doing what I love to do.

I found out that it really isn't what we used, how much we used, or how long we used that gets us here. It's the feelings, the hopelessness and helplessness we felt. In the Third Tradition of the Fellowship it states, "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using." I have my friends in the program. They held my hand and told me it was okay, and they gave me that hard love of telling me to sit down, shut up and listen when I needed that too.

Thank you for reading my friends. Before I'm off to another crusade, below is a news about a drug addict kicked habit after her father forced her into rehab. Read about it. Maybe you can learn something about it.

See you soon.





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1 Comment thus far...

pmp exam questions said...

What do you mean by hard love? What's that mean?

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Since May 28th, 2008.