Be Careful What You Ask For

"What if... "


"Living just for today relieves the burden of the past and the fear of the future. We learned to take whatever actions are necessary and to leave the results in the hands of our God."
Basic Text, pp. 90-91

In our active addiction, fear of the future and what might happen was a reality for many of us. What if we got arrested? lost our job? our spouse leaved or die? we went bankrupt? and on, and on, and on. It was not unusual for us to spend hours, even whole days thinking about what might happen. We played out entire conversations and scenarios before they ever occurred, then charted our course on the basis of "what if... " By doing this, we set ourselves up for disappointment after disappointment.

From listening in meetings, we learn that living in the present, not the world of "what if," is the only way to short-circuit our self-fulfilling prophecies of doom and gloom. We can only deal with what is real today, not our fearful fantasies of the future.

Coming to believe that God has only the best in store for us is one way we can combat that fear. We hear in meeting that God won't give us more than we can handle in one day. And we know from experience that, if we ask, God will surely care for us. We stay clean through adverse situations by practicing our faith in the care of a Power greater than ourselves. Each time we do, we become less fearful of "what if" and more comfortable with what is.

Just for today: I shall look forward to the future with faith in God.

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I'm really sorry that I've been neglecting this blog and to all my recovery friends online and offline. I was side-tracked doing unproductive things. In fact, my life had gone haywire but now, it's all over. I'm picking up my life back again and I shall try never to neglect you again.

Alright now that's over, I want to tell you a little story. Call it an episode of my life or whatever you want to name it, it doesn't matter. Before I tell you about it, I suggest you make a cup of coffee and relax while reading it. Hope you can learn something out of it as I have. OK, here goes...

Once upon a time in a little place called Longgeng, I befriended a young lovely lady. Very vogue and vass (her words not mine and I'm still searching the dictionary for the word, vass) as she described herself. Yeah, I admit. She is a stunning little lady, witty and intelligence.

And don't forget, she is rich (a subject she would adamantly disagree and she would have tell you it is her parent, not her who is rich) and got her own wheel to drive around making all the boys goes "ahhh" whenever she passes by! And I'm proud to be selected one of her many friends coz I'm just a drug addict compared to her other male friends who she never misses to talk about.

Among her friends is a local politician's son living in a house as big as The Buckingham Palace with an Olympic size swimming pool. Then there's an aircraft's engineer (now, that's a big job). There's also one who just got married in a 5-star hotel in a banquet's room full of flowers (the things she always dreamed for her own wedding) and the wedding was given a wide coverage in the local media. Awesome, huh?

Then came this old hopeless romantic drug addict in her life. As times passed by against my best judgment I admit I started to fall head over heel in love with her (oh boy, here it goes!). FYI, I'm gonna blog about "the why" pretty soon. I've already written about "the why" but kept it safe in an air-tight vault underground. Do not worry my friend. Just subscribe to this blog full feed RSS if you don't want to miss the tell-all episode.

OK, where were we? Ah yes, I want to tell you that she did made me happy at one time. I can't just forget that moment and I made a promise to myself. No matter what happen, even if I were to be kicked out from her life I would never forget that moments. I'm really thankful to her for making me very happy indeed.

And I was acting like a small kid after been given a jar full of candies! Oh boy, I was in love and I wanted the whole world to know about it. But she was not like any other ladies that I knew before. She never stopped reminding me to come back to earth, come back to reality. She don't want to be the person to mess up my life with my beloved wife.

What had happened doesn't mean that I didn't love my wife anymore. No, no that was not the case. Right from the beginning of our friendship I've told her how much I love my wife. She was the one who picked me up when I was really down, when I had nothing not even my dignity as a man! That's what addiction to drugs had done to me but she has total confidence in me. How could I leave my wife for someone else who have done nothing yet for me?

But then as selfish as I was, I wanted both of them in my life. I've told my new found friend, if given a choice I would still choose my darling wife. Nothing, nobody can take her place. Should there be a second woman in my life, I wanted my wife herself to ask for her hand in marriage. Would you considered that as a tall order?

At last I found the answer after seeking it everywhere, online and offline. I don't get any support from my own family. Everyone was against my decision to take a second lady in my life. I even wrote to some of my recovery friends listed on My Sacred Links (it's at the bottom on the right side-bar, click +/- to expand the list) and I was grateful especially to my South African's friend, Shadow.

She (Shadow) said in one of her long emails to me, In your case, I would have to think really hard and long about leaving your wife for another. If I understand correctly from your blog, she stood by you, helped you and supported you during your hard time in life. Loyalty, trust and dedication to another person are hard to come by, and I think she did that out of love for you. How important is that love to you, to your life and your future stability? And can you walk away from that and live with yourself? How would she feel about it? How would her hurt affect you? Difficult, hard and not so nice questions that you need to ask yourself.

Lastly, are you okay to trade what you have, for a future of maybe? Maybe find another, maybe then have a baby, maybe that person will not turn out the way you envision, maybe you change your mind about that person, maybe… there are lots of them.


After thinking things over, I've to accept my new lady friend only as a friend, no more no less. And during one of my pillow-talked with my beloved wife, I confessed everything to her. It was my fault that these things happened. If I didn't take advantage of a girl in a very vulnerable state, I'm sure these things wouldn't happened. By the grace of God, I felt very relieved after telling my dear wife about it. My God, how I love my wife that night! It was as though my love toward her has grown stronger and I held her tight in my arm, like I don't want to let her go until we fell asleep in each other's arms.

Then my relationship with this other lady started to go down-hill. She started doing things that displeased me, shouting at me to leave her alone, that kind of things that can made any ordinary person who can't stand her personality gone mad! Then she started accusing me of being sarcastic, never appreciated what I've done for her and branded me as a hopeless romantic!

But I still believed my relationship with her was worth saving. Usually I was the one who backed down during those arguments which sometimes started just because of a very small matter as though she has been asking for it all these while. Asking me to do something out of the ordinary. I was a drug addict and I mixed around with some bad people. Talking with the 'F' words was not unusual for me, but I've stopped being nasty after I've got clean and sober nearly five years ago.

Last Monday, it finally happened. In the morning after I've backed-down after yet from another arguments, it was ok as though nothing has happened. Then it started to turn sour at noon. In her last email, she shouted at me to leave her alone and then it was quiet. Well, as usual I let her be to cool down. I had my lunch and then I spent the whole afternoon trying to reconcile and asking for her forgiveness. I sent her several greeting cards, wrote something funny but still no respond from her.

I was beginning to get angry around 4pm. Let me asked you something. How do you feel when you spent the whole afternoon trying to reach your brother, sister or whoever, but that person ignored your call and kept quiet without telling you anything?

I had it and snapped! I wrote her a very short (about 4 sentences only) email which I'm sure will get her attention, something like I gave her an offer she can't refuse. I'm not proud for what I've done but she has been asking for it and finally I succumbed to her request. I'm sorry if I've hurt her feeling. At least she knows that I can get hurt too and not to treat others who were trying to help her like shit!

I've never asked her for anything. That's why I'm keeping quiet by myself lest she might think it would cost her friendship if I call her up again. I've enough of my share asking for forgiveness to try to make things work. Now it's up to her. In my book, she has never do me wrong and if she did, I've already forgiven her. Let's see if she can humble herself to say she's sorry and call me.

I guess what had happened was for our own good. I just gonna keep quiet (like she had taught me) and picked up the mess of my own doing. Now I've time for my blogs, Internet Marketing and best of all, quality times with my dear lovely wife.

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Ex-friends, lovers and estranged ladies friend who have been cut out of the author's life should refrain from reading this post. If the relationship has ended or about to be ended, there is no reason you should get daily updates on the author's life. If you simply can't help yourself, do it quietly, and never repeat what you read or use it to hurt the author.

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1 Comment thus far...

Shadow said...

hiya my dear friend. what a story. that is a lot of stuff to have kept inside. now it's out. and most importantly, you've been honest with those you should be honest with. you have courage and character. i'm glad to know you! good luck further. i'm somehow convinced you'll carry on making the right choices from here on out. lotsa love, v

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