My Colorful Life

Learning To Love Ourselves

"What we want most is to feel good about ourselves."
Basic Text, p. 97

"We'll love you until you can learn to love yourself." These words, heard so often in our meetings, promise a day we look forward to eagerly - the day when we'll know how to love ourselves. Self-esteem - we all want this elusive quality as soon as we hear about it. Some of us seem to stumble upon it accidentally, while others embark on a course of action complete with affirmations made to our reflections in the mirror. But fix-it-yourself techniques and trendy psychological cures can only take us so far.

There are some definite, practical steps we can take to show love for ourselves, whether we "feel" that love or not. We can take care of our personal responsibilities. We can do nice things for ourselves, as we would for a lover or a friend. We can start paying attention to our own needs. We can even pay attention to the qualities that we cherish in our friends - qualities like intelligence and humour - and look for those same qualities in ourselves. We're sure to find that we really are lovable people, and once we do that, we're well on our way.

Just for today: I shall do something today that helps me recognize and feel love for myself.

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When I think about my life now, my eyes became watery. I never thought I would lead a very fruitful life like today. Not too long ago about four years back, I thought my life would always ended up with me in rehabilitation's center or being left to rot in prison. Lastly, I thought I would die in a dirty drain somewhere.

Looking back, I had never felt scared thinking where will I ended up. Whether I ended up in rehab's center, prison or even in death itself. You might wondered why? Well, I can answer that easily. It was because I had lost the love for myself. I hated myself and I had never gave a damn what gonna happen to me!

I was introduced to heroin when I was thirteen years old and I immediately fell in love getting high all the time. Then came the time when I was in the University, I got the distinct impression that I could do anything. I felt like Superman, the man of steel himself. And I truly believed I were Superman for many years to come!

I guess I was inclined to be an addict. Deep inside me I felt unsecured and inadequacy. I had these feeling that something was missing in my life. So, in my twisted way of thinking to cover up all the uneasiness, I gotta get high most of my waking hours. That way, I felt I was able to stand among the giants and be as good as them. It took me twenty four agonizing years and abused before I realized I was living life in sub-human form.

Even though I passed Secondary School with flying colours and followed by my times and life in University on Dean's List, I still thought it wasn't enough. I thought I could do more and I pumped myself with lots of heroin so that I could stayed awake studying twenty four hours. Ironically, I knew that heroin was killing me slowly and I also knew that I couldn't stayed in University without heroin. Little do I realized, I was caught in a deadly cycle.

I'm not going to post in detail what heroin had done to me. Simply put I couldn't function like normal human being without heroin. Heroin were my god and I bowed myself before them. I had lied not only to myself, but to countless others. I used people who were stupid enough to trust me where I conned and stole from them. I knew, deep in my heart, I hated myself for doing what I had done, but heroin had dulled my mind, altering my way of straight thinking. For one, I didn't know how to identify or to express my feelings. Like I had lost love somewhere along the way.

Many people, especially my own family tried to convince me to give up heroin. I thought they were just trying to mess up my normal life! I felt they didn't understand as I kept on insisting there were nothing wrong with my life. I felt normal. I told them I used heroin just once in the blue moon which became all of the time. As I told those lied over and over, I began to believe what I had said to be true.

As times progressed, so do my habit to the level that I couldn't sleep for a week at a time. I would become irrational that I couldn't even carry on a simple conversation. I hallucinated visually and aurally, became extremely forgetful and needless to say irritable and grouchy. Then I would level off, and no matter how much heroin I pumped into my body, I couldn't get any higher. My body would ache for sleep, but my mind was wide awake. I was caught at a halfway point where I could neither stay up nor sleep. It was at these times when inordinate paranoia and depression would set in. Sometimes I would try taking sleeping pills to put me to sleep, but each time I became ill and vomited them up.

To make it short, I got myself caught by the Anti-Narcotics Unit of Kajang in an ambushed while dealing in a drug score. It was cold and raining quite heavily in Hulu Langat. My life had been a let-down, and I was fed-up with everyone especially with my ex doctor wife. She was giving me a hard times and deep in my heart I was happy that I got caught and handcuffed by the police.

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4 Comments thus far...

Shadow said...

it's refreshing to read about your turn-around. and i think you're spot on - when we loose the love for ourselves, that's when things spiral out of control. well done on finding the love again!

Nick Phillips said...

That was an interesting post. I had a cousin who was into drugs but he's out of it now.

I'm glad you turned your life around buddy. Drugs ain't worth it. Take care dude.

Faizal said...

hi there.. I don't know how I can find your blog. But I can deny, your recovery blog is nice. I have an addiction to too, the good one is the addiction to the internet but the bad one is the problem - addiction to cigarette. I really want to stop but it is very hard.. any opinion.. i hope you have time to visit my blog or we might exchange the links.

theMOON said...

Thank you..because I'm learning from you.My day doesn't treat me well.All I feel is hate.
But after reading your post,
WHEW!!
I realized that there's always a hope for everyone.

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