Addiction Vicious Cycle

Vision Without Limits

"Perhaps for the first time, we see a vision of our new life."
Basic Text, p. 34

In our addiction, our vision of ourselves was very limited. Each day, we went through the same routine: getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more. And that's all we could reasonably expect for the duration of our lives. Our potential was limited.

Today, our prospects are changed. Recovery has given us a new vision of ourselves and our lives. We are no longer trapped in the endlessly gray routine of addiction. We are free to stretch ourselves in new ways, trying out new ideas and new activities. In doing so, we come to see ourselves in a new way. Our potential is limited only by the strength of the Higher Power that cares for us - and that strength has no limits.

In recovery, life and everything in it appears open to us. Guided by our spiritual principles, driven by the power given us by Allah swt, our horizons are limitless.

Just for today: I shall open my eyes to the possibilities before me. My potential is as limitless and as powerful as Allah swt. Today, I shall act on that potential.

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Before I proceed any further, I would like to thanks to all my friends, in recovery or not who have reached out to me in comments and emails sent to me. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you guys/gals? Your moral supports meant so much to me, and only God can ever repay your kindness. Thank you for making me clean and sober today.

I remembered when I was still using, my life routine centered on where to get drugs. After getting it, came the same ritual of using, the burning of the aluminum's foil and preparing the straw to catch the dragon. Then came the part where I started to plan all sort of ways on how to get more drugs. I would resort to anything, mostly involved criminal activities as long as I can get more drugs.

Today, we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the Fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed. Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided, and problems are solved. It is a great gift to feel human again.

What a change from the way that we used to be! We needed to change ourselves, instead of trying to change the people and situations around us. We discovered new opportunities. We found a sense of self-worth. We learned self-respect. Acceptance leads to recovery. We lose our fear of the unknown. We are set free.


And it's the same old story that goes on over and over again. I would go through the same scripts days in days out. It would only ends when the scene on the scripts changed to three things. It's either I dropped death, or I get caught and sent off to prison or rehabilitation center!

In the beginning, it was really fun. I could stay up late to study for my coming exams, but not long after that habit took a turn for the worse. It seem that I've to take drugs to survive. It has become a necessity without me realizing it. So, I kept on using drugs, continuously on a journey toward hell. When I was high full of drugs, all my troubles and problems seems so far away. I was avoiding reality, pain and misery with the drugs I took. I felt like a king with no problems whatsoever to worry about.

But when I came back to earth, the problems and misery which I thought had gone away was still there waiting for me. That was what kept me on using drugs, to shoo away all the pained and troubles. That was the only kind of life I knew. Gone were my ambition to be successful in life. My only thought were centered around drugs. With drugs I felt alive. No matter what I got to have it!

Thinking about it now, I still didn't realize I had a problem when I lost my job at the bank, my apartment, my car, my every things. I still thought I could handle it, thinking that every things gonna be fine. And I kept on thinking every things gonna be fine for twenty six long years! Gee, what was I thinking?

When every things was lost and gone, my cousin took me in. Introduced me to NA. I was really desperate and I would do anything so that I could be human again! Slowly, I said slowly because I was quite a rebel at first. I thought this was just another B.S program. In my mind I thought how could I be cured if all they do was talk!

After sitting in a meeting, and several meeting after that, I began to feel that people really care for me and were willing to help. The people there in NA gave me hope by insisting I could recover. It hit me hard on the face and I thought, "Wow! Nobody trusted me before!"

People had lost their trust in me for twenty six years, and now these people that I've known for only a few days had given their trust in me. That was truly amazing. I found that no matter what my past thoughts or actions were, these people had felt and done the same. Surrounded by fellow addicts, I realized that I'm not alone anymore. Recovery is what happens in these meetings. My life is at stake here and I found that by putting recovery first, I can be cured.

In these meetings I came to three disturbing realizations:
  1. I am powerless over addiction and my life are unmanageable;
  2. Although I am not responsible for this disease, I am responsible for my recovery;
  3. I can no longer blame people, places and things for my addiction. I must face my problems and my feelings.
The ultimate weapon for recovery is a recovering addicts. We concentrate on recovery and feelings not what we have done in the past. Old friends, places and ideas are often a threat to our recovery. We need to change our playmates, playgrounds and playthings.

When we realize that we are not able to manage without drugs, some of us immediately begin experiencing depression, anxiety, hostility and resentment. Petty frustrations, minor setbacks and loneliness often make us feel that we are not getting any better. We find that we suffer from a disease, not a moral dilemma. We were critically ill, not hopelessly bad. Our disease can only be arrested through abstinence.

Have a good day, my friends.



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7 Comments thus far...

Mighty Morgan said...

Hey Noor...freedom feels goos doesn't it! That's the one thing the NA program promises freedom from active addiction. All the time and energy we used in our pursuit of the "next one" is now a source of personal power in which we change lives with...glad to see your still around :)

sharonsjourney said...

You have come so far. I can't imagine you now doing the things you did to get the next hight. What a freedom! Not just from the addiction, but we can be in the day, & enjoy it, we care about others, we have the freedom of choice. There's so much more. We have love in our lives today, what a gift. I am so grateful, for so much! I've lost count of my blessings, well, I don't count anymore. I'm so glad you are clean, & sober, & with us today. Thank you for your comment, my friend, & in answer to it, it was my pleasure...any time. Keep on keepin' on.

Shadow said...

you put that beautifully. i remember thinking and feeling the very same things... different, yet the same. and here we are today, on the straight and narrow, and it's not so bad after all. actually, it's a helluva lot better, don't you think?!?!?

Susan Parr said...

Hi Arah, Your post made me all teary eyed because I have family and friends who are struggling with their addictions.
Susan

sharonsjourney said...

Just stopping by to check on you. Hope you're doing well, take care.

Zobel said...

Hello :)

Thank you for visiting my site and leaving a comment :) Nice blog, by the way. It's good that you maintained your PR4 rank despite the Google attack...

Your entry is really inspiring. Keep it up :)

sharonsjourney said...

Thank you for you for your sincere thanks. As far as which blog to do, I don't know what to tell you, except that if you leave this one, you'll be missed. If you do go to the other one, you could still stop by & say hi, I'd like that.

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~ ArahMan7

PS - Word verification has been enable. Sorry about that [Sept 3rd, 2013].





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