More Will Be Revealed

Gratefully Recovering

"We entertained the thought that staying clean was not paying off, and the old thinking stirred up self-pity, resentment, and anger."
Basic Text, p. 98

There are days when some of us wallow in self-pity. It's easy to do. We may have expectations about how our lives should be in recovery, expectations that aren't always met. Maybe we've tried unsuccessfully to control someone, or we think our circumstances should be different. Perhaps we've compared ourselves with other recovering addicts and found ourselves lacking. The more we try to make our life conform to our expectations, the more uncomfortable we feel. Self-pity can arise from living in our expectations instead of in the world as it actually is.

When the world doesn't measure up to our expectations, it's often our expectations that need adjusting, not the world. We can stand by comparing our lives today with the way they used to be, developing gratitude for our recovery. We can extend this exercise in gratitude by counting the good things in our lives, becoming thankful that the world does not conform to our expectations but exceeds them. And if we continue working the Twelve Steps, further cultivating gratitude and acceptance, what we can expect in the future is more growth, more happiness, and more peace of mind.

We've been given much in recovery; staying clean has paid off. Acceptance of our lives, just for today, frees us from our self-pity.

Just for today: I shall accept my life, gratefully, just as it is.


I know I've made the mistake of trying to people pleasing lately, especially to my mother-in-law who has nothing good to say about me. She thought I'm an embarrassment and a burden to her well-groomed family. I nearly lost it. O yeah, I admit I nearly lost it. I've gone back to my cocoon and wallowed myself in self-pity, resentment and anger. I kept asking myself, "why did I became a drug addict?"

Out here all alone, I got no one to talk to. Not even with my beloved wife. Hei, look guys. I'm talking about her mother here, for God sake. What am I suppose to say? Say bad things about her mother? No way, man! I'm not gonna say anything bad about her mother. I would rather keep it to myself. As far as she knows, her mother and me are buddy-buddy, really close to each other.There are times, however, such as in cases of health problems involving surgery and/or extreme physical injury, when medication may be valid. This does not constitute a license to use. There is no safe use of drugs for us. Our bodies don't know the difference between the drugs prescribed by a Physician for pain and the drugs prescribed by ourselves to get high. As addicts, our skills at self-deception will be at its peak in such a situation. Often our minds will manufacture additional pain as an excuse to use.
I realized now, no matter what I do, I could never pleased her. To her I'm just a failure In her book, to be a successful person you have to work a nine to five job. Since I never came close to hold a nine to five job, I'm just a BIG failure! Frankly, it hurt me. Very bad indeed! Look, I'm just an ordinary human being. I got feeling too, you know. I'm not some kind of robot. You pinched me, it sure does hurt!

While sitting in front of this PC, my other side whispered to me to go out. To take some fresh air. Call my old friends, better still see them. Join them. Ask them what's up, dude? Anything fancy going on lately? Come on, what you're having. Nobody, gonna know. Come on, once in the blue moon. It not gonna hurt you. Forget everything. Even though you're clean now, you're still a piece of SHIT to them! So, who cares?

STOOOOOPPP! I care, damnit! Pleeeaasee God, I care very much!!!

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY I shall have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY I shall have a program. I shall try to follow it to he best of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY through NA I shall try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I shall be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

Yeah, life is like a merry-go-round. Sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down. Some things we gotta accept, while others we can change or do something about it. Only with Allah swt guidance, we can have the wisdom to know the difference. If we're able to maintain with our spiritual condition daily, we will find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion that comes along in our growth.

It seem that over time on my journey to recovery, I shall face all kind of crisis, like the death of a loved one, financial difficulties and like the nasty divorce with my ex Doctor wife. All in all, I got to face it. No matter how hard it gonna knock me down. All these are the realities of life, and they don't go away just because I got clean and sober! No matter how painful life's tragedies comes and go, only one thing is clear, I'M NOT GONNA TAKES DRUGS AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT!

Have a good week, my friends.

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8 Comments thus far...

flowerdave said...

Thank you Noor for the post, I really needed it tonite

sharonsjourney said...

What is most important in any given situation is your relationship with your HP, & yourself, no matter what anyone thinks about you, as long as you know your are right with your HP, & you, then comes your wife. You've worked a little more on your spirituality, so you are better off. Just remember, some people are sicker than others, meaning your mther in law..poor thing. You did a good thing. Hang in there, Noor. Love you

Shadow said...

hey! it sounds like you are not in a good place right now. just one thing: it takes one helluva good, strong, determined person to give up drugs. guess what? you did. that makes you a winner. and a winner you'll stay!

hang tough! nothing lasts forever...

Michael said...

Hi Noor,
You commented again, I really thought you had fallen out with me for something but there you was again, just like old times, thanks Noor.
I guess I still take the old antidepressants, one per day and may do for the rest of my life, I dont know if that counts as drugs, some elders in the AA tut at me but my quality of life is much better with them than without.
In fact I reckon I spent all them years drinking just to escape those black thoughts surely no thoughts is better than black ones.
I love you noor

Mighty Morgan said...

Stuff like that is tough stuff...but the hope is that if you keep putting one foot in front of the other and continuing forth in your process of day you may find freedom from the toxic poison of others. You are a good person that suffer from a does get better, easier and as you continue to find more self acceptance the words of others won't carry the burden or weight to harm you any more

YamadogGirl said...

Hi Noor,
I still deal with my perceptions and expectations of those around me. One of my fellow AAs told me this, "Does God forgive you for everything you've done, are doing, and even what you're going to do?" Yes, I replied. "Then who are you not to forgive yourself, and try to do your very best daily." WOW! That really hit home. I was so busy trying to make everyone else happy, I lost me along the way. The God of my understanding loves me unconditionally, and really His is the only opinion that counts to me. I'm sure I've been and still occasionally can disappoint others, could be for various reasons. I didn't do what they wanted me to, I did make a mistake (that's where I admit it and correct if I can/amends), or sometimes it just is what it is. That's why I take life one day a time, and try to live it fully. Hope to hear more from you, found you through shadow.

Blessings & Love,

recoveryroad said...

I like the blog layout Noor.

Good quote about staying clean. Thanks for sharing it.


Shadow said...

hey! my dear friend. i hope you're holding strong!

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