My Life As An Addict

Hope

"Gradually, as we become more God-centered than self-centered, our despair turns to hope."
Basic Text, p.92

As using addicts, despair was our relentless companion. It coloured our every waking moment. Despair was born of our experience in No matter what measures we tried to make our lives better, we slid ever deeper into misery. Attempts we made to control our lives frequently met with failure. In a sense, our First Step admission of powerlessness was an acknowledgment of despair.

Steps Two and Three lead us gradually out of that despair and into new hope, the companion of the Having accepted that so many of our efforts to change have failed, we come to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. We believe this Power can - and will - help us.

We practice the Second and Third Steps as an affirmation of our hope for a better life, turning to this As we come to rely more and more on a Higher Power for the management of our day-to-day life, the despair arising from our long experiment with self-sufficiency disappears.

Just for today: I shall reaffirm my Third Step decision. I know that, with a Higher Power in my life, there is hope.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long before I came to NA, never once I considered myself addicted to the use of any mind-altering, mood-changing substance which causes the problems in any area of my life. I've always thought, I could handle it! I can take care of it, I thought in ignorance. As long as I could stop using for a while, I thought I could be all right.

Only in NA I was told how wrong I've been. I've only focus on the stopping, whereas I should focus on the using. You see, as my progressed, I've thought of stopping less and less. Addictions are cunning, baffling, powerful and very, very patient!







I was told that I suffered from a disease that expresses itself in ways that are anti-social and that makes detection, diagnosis and treatment difficult. It isolated me from people except when I was getting, using and finding ways and means to get more drugs. I became hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking. I cut myself off from the outside world.
Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah forgiving and merciful.

Holy Quran 25:70


To me, anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Thus making my world shrank, and isolation became my life. Sadly, the only life that I'm familiar was when I was using. I used in order to survive. It was said that using is like a merry-go-round and will only stop when I stop putting 20 cents in! And I got back my perfectly normal life, just as soon I realize my life will never be perfectly normal again.

I was one of those who used, misused and abused drugs and still I did not consider myself an addict. I've solid background, doing well in academics and never short of money. I really thought I could handle it. Even though you got tons of money, there's come a time when drugs was not available. No matter how much you're willing to pay for it. I was simply existing to drugs and drugging for oblivion, caught up in a vicious cycle, catching hell and calling it fun - how ironic!

When people started treating addiction as a crime or moral deficiency, I became rebellious and I drove myself deeper into isolation. Admittedly, some of the highs felt great. Then I felt like I was dancing with a gorilla. Only problem was, the gorilla who decides when to stop. In desperation, I was forced to survive in any which way I could. I manipulated people and tried to control everything around me. It's true, addicts don't have relationship, they take hostages!






I lied, stole, cheated and sold myself! I demeaned myself as long as I got drugs, regardless of the cost. Failure and fear began to invade my lives. Addiction causes me the inability to deal with life on life's terms. I used drugs and combination of drugs to cope with a seemingly hostile world. I even dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve my ultimate problem - myself. But the fact remained, no mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol works successfully. Drugs ceased to make me feel good anymore.

I searched for the enemy that I could not see, when I looked in the mirror the enemy was me.
At times, I became defensive about my addiction and justified my right to use, especially when I had legal prescriptions. I was proud of the sometimes illegal and often bizarre behaviour that typified my using. I tend to forget about the times when I sat all alone and were consumed by fear and self-pity. That was when I fell into a pattern of selective thinking. I shall only remember the good drug experiences. I justified and rationalized the things that I did to keep from being sick or going crazy. I ignored the times when life seemed to be a nightmare. I totally avoided the reality of my addiction.

Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by my used of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. My spirit was broken. The capacity to feel like a normal human beings was lost. It may sound a little bit extreme, but many addicts have been in this state of mind - me included.

I was always on the looked out, constantly searching for the answer - that person, place or thing that would make everything all right. I found out that I lacked the ability to cope with daily living. As my addiction progressed, I found myself to be in and out of rehabilitation centers and prisons. I've missed only death, the third places normally visited by addicts. But I was sure to have many near misses though. One of my many prayers now is to die NOT as an addict.

Those experiences indicated that there was something wrong with my life. I always wanted an easy way out. Some of us addict even thought of suicide. But luckily most attempts were usually feeble. For those who escaped death, it only heightened the feelings of worthlessness. They were trapped in the illusion of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time".

When I did seek help, I was only looking for the absence of pain. Many times I had regained good physical health, only to lose it by using again. My track record shows that it is impossible for me to use successfully. No matter how well I may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings me down to my knees.

And the routine mentioned above goes on and on. It lasted for twenty four long years until I said to myself that I had enough!

To sum it all, my new friend, Morgan MacGregor said it well.
No other moment from the past could ever define the one in which I now existed in. Nor could any ever compare to the hope weaved throughout the golden rays of sunshine, streaming warm and gentle upon my face, awakening me to the path before me.

In that case, I might as well make the best of the day. Have a great week-end, my friends.




Subscribe to My Journey To Recovery

4 Comments thus far...

Shadow said...

you have come so far in your new life. it's beautiful!!!

without hope, what is left?!?!?!?

Shadow said...

hey! thanks for your sweet comments... guess we're both playing is cyberspace at the moment!

a memory stick is like a portable hard drive. you get them in various memory sizes. you plug them into the usb port of your computer and the kids need them a school so that they can save and keep their computer work for the next time they have computer class i guess...

on the one hand kids are so lucky these days. he's had computer classes since grade 1. they started 'playing around' on word, excel and power point. and can he speed type with 2 fingers!!! what they are doing now i'm not sure. i know they've been taught how to surf the web too, 'cause one guy in his class got detention cause he went to some 'undesirable' sites...

on the other hand, he (and his buddies) find anything that's not electronic boring. but at least i've mananged to get him to enjoy reading books...

life sure is different nowadays.

Shadow said...

yip! i still come in daily for my joke, thanks!!!!!

have a good sunday, dear friend!

recoveryroad said...

Hey, Noor. Hope you're well.

Hope is what kept me going in the very very early days.

Have a good week!

Post a Comment

I loves to receive comments from everybody and I tried to make everything easier for my readers to comments. So please, be nice even though you totally disagree with me. No comment moderation and whatnot here. Please respect the privileges given.

God's willing, all comments will be followed and replied.

p/s Please leave your URL so that I can follow it and leave comments on yours. No URL = No Comments. It's as simple as that. Thank you in advance.

This blog is NOT using rel="nofollow" attribute. One thing that I can do to encourage you to leave more comments on this blog is to reward you with my link loves to go along with your comments. Without nofollow attribute, the search engines will follow the link so that you will get full credit with SEO. And subsequent pagerank value.


~ ArahMan7

PS - Word verification has been enable. Sorry about that [Sept 3rd, 2013].





Disclaimer:

Alcoholics Anonymous, and AA, are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. as is NA, Narcotics Anonymous a registered trademark of Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. The publication of this web page does not imply affiliation with or approval or endorsement from Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc or Narcotics Anonymous organizations. This Blog is not affiliated with any 12 Step program.


Hi! This is a personal recovery blog. Everything I posts here are from my twisted addicted mind and/or just plain poorly written. If something around here belongs to you and you're one of those people who hates free PR, drop me a line and I'll pull it down or credit you in large bold letters with every "T" crossed and every "i" dotted with a heart - Honest! And also I have very, very few assets, so it's probably not worth your time to go the lawyer route. Thanks.

Stats

Blog Counter


Since May 28th, 2008.