"Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking."

Basic Text, p. 87

Life is a series of decisions, actions, and consequences. When we were using, our decisions were usually driven by our disease, resulting in self-destructive actions and dire consequences. We came to see as a rigged game, one we should play as little as possible.

Given that, many of us have great difficulty learning to make decision in recovery. Slowly, by working the we gain practice in making healthy decisions, ones that give positive results. Where our disease once affected our will and our lives, we ask God to care for us.

We inventory our values and our actions, check our findings with someone we trust, and ask God to remove our shortcomings. In working the steps we gain freedom from the influence of our disease, and we learn principles of decision-making that can guide us in all our affairs.

Today, our decisions and their consequences need not be influenced by our disease. Our faith gives us the courage and direction to make good decisions and the strength to act on them. The result of that kind of decision-making is a life worth living.

Just for today: I shall use the principles of the Twelve Steps to make healthy decisions. I shall ask God for the strength to act on those decisions.


I still remember during my hey-days (or so I thought!) when I was actively using, one of the terrors in my life was making a decision. In fact it became a phobia. Whenever I came face to face with making a decision, I would ran away from it. Better still, I would never made one! And I had never thought of facing problems head-on!

When I was forced to make a decision, usually I would made it just to save my butt! Never a care about the others as long as my butt was saved, lol! Sadly to say, my butt-saving's decision-making usually ends up in disaster to all.

BTW, my idea of saving my butt was very primitive. As long I was not caught by the police and end up in lock-up, jails or rehabilitation centers - then I was saved! I don't give a damn what happened to others!

In one instances, when I was buying large quantity of drugs, I would never carried it on my body. I paid others to carry it. You got my drift what I'm trying to say here? - These paragraph might trigger someone. Do not let your imaginations runs wild!

Back then, my life was in shambles. I followed the same routines, day in day out for about twenty fours long years! Yes! I had wasted my life that long. Needless to say, I could have been somebody because I was on the right track. I got my degree and my academics results was excellence, but then I wasted it all on being a drug addict!

I couldn't even managed my life. You see, I can't even bought an underwear, a tiny weeny underwear! Can you imagined that? When asked why didn't I wear an underwear, I would said (to valid my action!) I felt uncomfortable wearing it or I would answered, so that a little bit of wind might cool off "junior"!

Sadly to say, I'm not able to live and enjoy life like you do. My life began with drugs and it ended with drugs too, that was to say if I'm able to sleep after all! Every single days during those twenty four years, I must have drugs to begin my life with. By hook or crook, I got to have it when I woke up for that day. Simply said, I lived to use and used to live.

After that, I would thought of nothing else. My mind was thinking hard where to find or get another score. That was where the crimes began. Even though I was allocated hundred per day, it would never be enough. I had never said I never stole from somebody before and thinking about it nowadays, I'm very much ashamed to myself.

I thought drugs was a cool thing to get involved with. As a matter of fact, drugs did made my life better at least at the beginning. I could stayed awake studying hard while the rest was sound asleep. I could bravely faced anybody especially the girls. Due to that I managed to hook up with the hottest and most sought after beauty during my university's days who stayed loyally with me for ten beautiful years.

But as times passed by, I became a slave to drugs. All my actions must be base on the availability of drugs in my pocket. I could never go anywhere without drugs and I missed many many family holidays together. Both of my parent had gone to many many interesting places inside and outside of Malaysia, and I was left behind. If you see my family photo albums, there was always one family member missing.

I was placing ahead of the welfare of my family. Like I said earlier, I got to have drug at all costs. I realized I've harm so many people whether I knew it or not but, the most harm I did was to myself. And when it came to responsibility, which I failed miserably. I shy away from having responsibilities. Throughout it all I was creating my own problems. I can't even made a simple basic decision on my own!

My whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another - the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. Eventually I became some sort of human being in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same. I could either be sent off to jails or to some rehabilitation centers. Last but not least, I could even be death!

There was no way to stop me from ending my life with the three choices stated above. In fact I even realized that I was digging my own grave, committing suicide so it seem if I carried on pumping drugs into my body but, was a very cunning enemy of life that I lost the power to do anything about it.

Even, after I was released from jails or from several rehabilitation centers, I can't help it. I turned back to drugs thinking aloud to myself, these gonna be the last times I was going to snort some heroin. I don't know how many times had I said that to myself. Little do I realized that one is too many and a thousand is never enough! How true it was.

I've tried so many times to cure myself. I sought help through medicine (Suboxone), religion, and even through psychiatry (which ended me being admitted to The Nut House!) - An interesting chapter of my life which I'm going to blog about it soon. After what had been said and done, those methods I mentioned was never sufficient for me. My disease will always resurfaced and continued to progress.

In desperation in finding a cure, I sought help from another addict who introduced me to NA, A big thank you to my cousin, Shahrudin Sharif without whom I could ends up death. It was in NA that I realized I was a sick human being. I suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.

If you like this post and want to see what other Recovery people were doing every Thursday, click on the recovery's belly button to make her tickle and she will sent you to a very beautiful place where every Thursday recovery people from all over the Blogosphere were enjoying themselves with their pictures. Go on, don't be shy, tickle her

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That's it, my friends - for now. Here's some news about the coming Narcotics Anonymous's Convention brought to you by the good people of The News Room and PR Newswire. The best thing is My Sista of Swing will be attending the convention. I'm sure there gonna be lots and lots of pics which I'm sure she will share it with us. Take care, my friends.

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18 Comments thus far...

Inmatez Wife said...

My tears are for you my friend. Your words were like a hug I needed, to know I (like you) are not alone. The things we do, the thoughts we have. Today, we are clean, life has a chance with us. What a great feeling. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Scott W said...

I suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.

You speak the truth!

flowerdave said...

thanks for posting that, I am so glad we found the answer to our dilemma
peace, FD

Shadow said...

hey! thanks for telling your story. we may have been in hell once, but thankfully we now have a chance to live!

recoveryroad said...

Yes - my addiction was driven by impulse and fear!

Good post.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

NIce post Noor! I for one am VERY glad you got out of the nut house. It is a dang ! MIRACLE that any of us made it. Your story sounds pretty heavy. I am glad you are here to tell the tale and set an example to all the other fellow sufferers out there.

Michael said...

Hi Noor,
That really was an emotionally deep post, I was at uni u know doing a physics degree, thats when I realised I wasnt normal and found that drink could make me feel better ...
I also had cannabis but in my skint student days I sniffed petrol from my motorbike petrol tank to make me go on trips to places where I was loved, I think I was with angels then.
I certainly was in 1990 when I got badly burned when my petrol tank blew up luckily I didnt burn my face and clothes can conceal the scars I still carry.
So I choose the safer option of alcohol somehow never tempted on to expensive heroine but I have no doubt had I been more involved with the lads my age and less of a social leper I would of.
Now all these years later I aqm learning to live and your story has so many parallels with mine

sharonsjourney said...

When I was drinking & using, I didn't have any choices, making any decisions was very painful for me, I did what you did, I ran from them, if I could. I hurt my family so much!
The thing is, Noor, you did reach out for help, & by God's Grace, it was to another addict!
I've had the opportunity to make it up to my family, & today they trust me. What a gift! All they ever wanted for me was to get well, & be happy.
We can't go on beating ourselves up for our past. We have the opportunity & the responsibilty to use our past to help others. You are doing that, it is intended for you. You've helped many of us by posting your story. I will do the same, as well as keep going to meetings, keep working with others in the program, or out. That is my responsibility today, to give away what I have recieved.
I still have waves of guilt, & shame over the hurts of others thru my disease, I don't think that is what our families, & God wants for us tho. Keep on Keepin' On. Much love to you!

MightyMorgan said...

The best way I can described my decision making process when using was so called solutions created more problems..
As an addict I seem to be hardwired with an "irrational wanna" hooked into a destructive gonna...
When I wanna I'm gonna....and nothing stood in my way.
I'm surprised that the NA world convention was publicly shared with the media..
From my understanding of our traditions...we don't publicly promote ourselves through press, radio or film...

As you know, its about attraction NOT promotion.

Michael said...

How about, Noor joining us in sharing just 8 random things about yourself?
See my blog post on the subject

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hey Noor! Hope you are well and things aren't too busy over there!

Shadow said...

hey stranger! how are you?

just wanted to check, noor means light?!?!?!?!

see ya!

msb said...

glad to see you up and posting. Good post. I'm so glad there are drug addicts in recovery just like me all over the world.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the inspiring post and I wish you all the luck in the world in your recovery.

I own two sober living homes and if any of your readers are interested in wondering what life is like in recover, our residents write a Blog about Drug Addiction.

All the best,
Larry L

Sharon said...

ArahMan7, life is never easy for everyone in one way or another. Being inspired and persevering towards a goal indeed has its rewards. And thanks for being that inspiration :)

recoveryroad said...

Hi Noor. Hope you're doing ok. Have a groovy weekend, matey.


mens shoes said...

Either big or small responsibilities we have, whatever it is still we are responsible. So let's just do our best for that then.

designer baby t shirts said...

people are just really awesome and thus they are going to be one of the best too.,

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