You Didn't "See" Me.


Becoming entirely ready.
"We... get a good look at what these defects are doing to our lives. We begin to long for freedom from these defects."
Basic Text, p.33

Becoming entirely ready to have our defects of character removed can be a long process, often taking place over the course of a lifetime. Our state of readiness grows in direct proportion to our awareness of these defects and the destruction they cause.

We may have trouble seeing the devastation our defects are inflicting on our lives and the lives of those around us. If this is the case, we would do well to ask our Higher Power to reveal those flaws which stand in the way of our progress.

As we let go of our shortcomings and find their influence waning, we'll notice that a loving God replaces those defects with quality attributes. Where we were fearful, we find courage. Where we were selfish, we find generosity. Our delusions about ourselves will disappear to be replaced by self-honesty and self-acceptance.

Yes, becoming entirely ready means we will change. Each new level of readiness brings new gifts. Our basic nature changes, and we soon find our readiness is no longer sparked only by pain but by a desire to grow spiritually.

Just for today: I shall increase my state of readiness by becoming more aware of my shortcomings.


Now, somebody asked me, how come we never see your dear wife photo? Yeah, it's true, I've never, not even once posted an image of my beloved wife. I guess I owe you all an explanation. This is the short version. It is a long long story and it will take a long long time to tell you these long long story. I don't wanna bore you with these long long story of my darling wife, do you?

Truth be told, my adorable wife is with the Ministry of Home Affairs. She is one of the top guns over there. She chose to remain anonymous but insisted on backing up her wonderful husband that is, yours truly (gleeing from ear to ear while taking a bow) in whatever adventures I got myself into.

Then came the million US Dollar question, how could a charming lady like my loving wife ends up marrying an addict? My usual answer to that question is, it is God's will. I could have answered in a thousand and one variations but when I used that particular answer, usually it will stop anymore question. Who can find fault in God's will?

I did asked her one night during our pillow talks after a wonderful yoga session, how come I ends up as her husband? Till now I still can't get a decent answer from her. Usually she will instigated another yoga session in answering to my question! I would usually forget what was my question when she does that. Who cares what is her answer, our exercise in flexibility and bending our anatomy in a yoga session, is answered enough!

When I was still using, I thought I'm just a nobody. People despises me for being an addict especially to Malaysian. That's the stigma I have to carry till now. I tried everything to make this blog acceptable to Malaysian readers. I even put it on my WishList. I joined the local forum, put my blog on local directories and so on and so on but to no avail. No one dare to leave a comment or two on my blog. I wondered if they ever read any of my posts? I hope I can change their perception about drugs and addict in particular.

Below is a description on addict awareness, on how some people see or not see an addict. I stole it from a recovery friend of mine, Shadow's 1 Door Away From Heaven who is from South Africa. She was describing a biker, I changed it a little bit. Here goes;

i saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line,
but you didn't see me put an extra RM60 in the collection plate last Friday.

i saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk,
but you didn't see me playing "father christmas" at the local mall.

i saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant,
but you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise money for charity.

i saw you roll up your window and shake your head when i drove by,
but you didn't see me driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.

i saw you frown at me when i smiled at your children,
but you didn't see me when i took time off work to run toys to the homeless.

i saw you stare at my long hair,
but you didn't see me and my friends cut 10 inches off for locks of love.

i saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves,
but you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.

i saw you look in freight at my tattoos,
but you didn't see me cry as my children were born and have their name written over and in my heart.

i saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere,
but you didn't see me going home to be with my family.

i saw you complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be,
but you didn't see me when you were changing the cd and drifted into my lane.

i saw you yelling at your kids in the car,
but you didn't see me pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.

i saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road,
but you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.

i saw you race down the road in the rain,
but you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

i saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time,
but you didn't see me trying to turn right.

i saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane i was in,
but you didn't see me leave the road.

i saw you waiting impatiently for my friends to pass,
but you didn't see me. i wasn't there.

i saw you go home to your family,
but you didn't see me because i died that day you cut me off.

i am a recovering drug addict....
a person with friends and a family,
but you didn't see me.

Here is an interlude while you were doing a bit of deep thinking of you didn't see me.

Another Book in my MailBox.

Reader's Digest

This time it is from Reader's Digest. That's my well manicured thumb-up by you-know-who. She loves to spend quality-time grooming me every weekend while I sit still reading/talking/touching and what-not!

If you wanna see more pics/photos, head over to hAAlf nAAked Thursday to see my recovery friends having fun with their pics/photos every Thursday or click on the Reader's Digest's photo.

Due to our time different, my esteem recovery friends photos can be seen fully on Friday. It is about twelve hours different in some places!

Oh yeah, I got a little bit of good news to share with you folks. Just reading an email I received from Advertlets.Com Big Boss, Mr. Josh Lim. Here it is;

From: Josh Lim
To: "'noor azman othman'"
Subject: RE: Confuse
Date: Thu, 10 May 2007 03:56:46 +0800


Don’t worry, the “pending” thing is a bug. You can receive advertising as long as we feel your blog is suitable.
Demographics are so we can market your blog further to advertisers, and increase your chances of getting more ads.

Please read here:

Regarding the Advertlets Demographic Poll Statistics

People can take the polls via clicking the “reload/refresh” button.

You are eligible to receive advertising, hence the (as of now) 22 cents through the Exabytes ad. I’ve also credited RM50 for the review.


- -

Josh Lim

I wrote to Mr. Josh Lim because Scott W can't
participate in the poll, even though he is very eager to help me out. Well, Mr. Scott W, it seem that you can still participate, taking the poll by clicking "reload/refresh" button. There you go folks, click on the "reload/refresh" button to participate in the survey.

Last but not least, I'm richer now by RM50.22. Yes, the mole is turning to mountain soon. That 22 cents is from Exabytes, Malaysia hosting server. Anyway, thank you Advertlets.Com. More on this, soon.

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9 Comments thus far...

Zane-nawwaa said...

Noor, thanks for the "you didn't see me" poem. WOW!

vicariousrising said...

Hi Noor! I am glad to get onto your blog today. The last couple times for some reason your blog kept making my MSN Windows shut down and I've been afraid to check in. It seems all is well now. I've missed reading you!

I'm glad that God's will sent you your wife and that yoga is working out well for you, LOL. That is so sweet. A loving marriage does wonders, does it not?

I really loved that poem, thank you for sharing it.


Michael said...

Hi Noor,
I always get confused between steps 6 and 7, defects and shortcomings whats the difference, I got to get more deeper in to these steps yet, you go so far then get a "OH Yes" feeling of understanding then a few more years down the road another one, I still got loads of ureaka moments ahead of me!
I was a bit angry yesterday cos my motorbike failed its MOT despite only doing 800 miles since the last test at the same station!!

Zane-nawwaa said...

I will no longer call or refer to you as Noor. It will be Azman. So Azman, have a great dayl

lushgurl said...

Well hello there you crazy "yoga" guy! I love the relationship between you and your wife, sounds like heaven on earth, and YOU deserve it!
Love and HUGS

recoveryroad said...

I hope you're having a great weekend Noor!


Zane-nawwaa said...

Hi AZMAN, thanks for stopping by. My first name is Zane and that is the name most people call me. At least it is the repeatable name they call me. HA!

Michael said...

Hope u have had a great weekend Noor, I am feeling a bit Monday-ish today but I have had a couple of dreams, only minor ones which have come true, I have never had this happen before which has I suppose scared me a bit in a way, its easy to talk the talk but when it happens you still cant quite believe it weird

Christine said...

addicts & alcoholics are I find are the most exciting people on earth!

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